I’m still here. Just different.

Almost a year has passed since I last wrote a personal text here. A year. When I write that, it seems incredibly long and frighteningly short at the same time.

In recent days, I started re-reading my old posts. I really just wanted to tidy up a bit. See what still fits with DreamOn, what can stay, and what might be better off going. It turned into something completely different. I sat in front of my screen, smiling, shaking my head, and thinking at some points: Goodness, Séverine. And then there were texts that suddenly brought tears to my eyes. Not just a little misty-eyed. I cried because I found myself again. The woman who had written those words. Her pain, her hope, her anger, her love, and this almost desperate wish to finally understand what was actually happening to her and her life.

Some of these texts are raw. Some are dramatic. Some feel almost a little too extreme to me today. And yet I couldn't just delete them. Because I didn't make them up.

I was that woman.

It is strange to read yourself a year later. At some sentences I thought: Yes. Exactly so. At others I realized how much I had changed. And at some I would have loved to reach through the screen to my past self and say: You don't have to understand everything. Really not.

That is why I have adjusted some posts a little. I have completely removed a few because they no longer feel right today or no longer belong here. Not everything that was once public has to remain public forever. But I don't want to make my past prettier either, or rewrite my story. And certainly not because I would be ashamed of that woman. On the contrary. Today I know what she carried. I know how many times she fell and still got back up. But today I have different words for some things. And perhaps a different perspective.

Because if I am completely honest, at some point I drifted quite far. Into the universe. Into signs, souls, destiny, mirrors, energies, and all the invisible threads that seemed to explain why some things happened, why I felt so intensely, and why certain things simply wouldn't let go of me.

And you know what? I loved it.

Up there, so much suddenly made sense. Things for which I found no explanation in real life seemed to come together into a picture. I could trust my feelings, see connections, recognize signs, and for a while move in a world where not everything had to be proven to have meaning. And I felt good there. Perhaps precisely because so much suddenly had an explanation.

I don't want to downplay this part of me today. I sometimes perceive things very finely. I feel intensely, see connections where others might simply move on, and my intuition has not deceived me often enough for me to suddenly laugh at it today.

But at some point I had to ask myself an uncomfortable question:

What good is the most beautiful truth in the universe to me if it doesn't happen in my real life?

That was the point where I pulled myself back.

Not because I suddenly no longer believe in anything. Not because all of that had become worthless or wrong to me. But because I realized that I cannot spend my life only in possibilities, signs, feelings, and that which perhaps exists somewhere beneath the surface.

I live here.

Now.

Between the universe and damn real life

I am not the woman who laughs at everything spiritual today and only believes what she can touch. I love the mysterious far too much for that. I believe in intuition. I believe that some encounters trigger something in us that we cannot explain. I love rituals, candlelight, stars, symbols, and these special moments in which life seems greater for a moment than what we can see.

I don't want to give up this magic. I just don't want to lose myself in it anymore.

Because as beautiful as it sometimes was there: My life does not happen someday. Not in a possible future, not behind a sign, and not in a story that might one day become reality. It happens now. With real people, real decisions, real touches, real words – and sometimes also with real silence.

I am allowed to feel what I feel. I am allowed to trust my intuition. I am allowed to look up at the starry sky at night and ask myself if there really are only coincidences. But if something wants to have a place in my life, then at some point it must also arrive here.

Not just in my heart. Not just in my head.

In my life.

And perhaps that is exactly the balance I am looking for today: to stand firmly on the ground with my feet, without stopping looking up at the sky.

That is exactly what DreamOn is too

Perhaps that is why DreamOn had to change too. For a while, it slipped very far into the spiritual with me. Everything had an intention, an energy, a deeper meaning. And some of that still belongs here. I love my ritual candles, gemstones, moon phases, incense, and all the little things with which we can consciously give meaning to a moment. I will not suddenly banish that from DreamOn just so the shop becomes as mass-market-friendly as possible.

Because the other direction would be just as little me.

I am not the run-of-the-mill gift-shop aunt.

I don't want to simply sell pretty things that look nice and are nicely packaged. DreamOn means too much to me for that. A gift may trigger something. A candle may change a moment. A small set may say: I was thinking of you. Something may comfort, encourage, make you smile, or make a shitty day a little bit better.

But for that, I no longer have to promise that a candle changes life.

Perhaps magic is sometimes much less spectacular: a friend who writes at exactly the right moment. A package at the door. A scent that brings back a memory. A candle in the evening when there is finally peace. Little things that touch something in us.

That is exactly where I want to be with DreamOn. Not just in the universe. But certainly also not between random gift items without a soul.

Somewhere in between.

And that is exactly how I am dealing with my old texts. I have carefully changed some, others more strongly. I have deactivated a few. But I will not smooth out my story so that it fits better with the woman I am today. These texts also tell how DreamOn and I got here. Some made me smile when I re-read them, some made me cry. They are allowed to leave traces.

And now?

My life is not suddenly perfect today. I have not found all the answers, I still think too much, and I probably still feel too much. The difference is: I no longer wait for my life to start someday. I live it.

With people who are there. With love, work, responsibility, chaos, plans, and all the wonderfully unmagical things in between. What wants to come to me is allowed to find its way to me. I no longer have to constantly look back or read an answer from every silence.

And perhaps that is exactly why now is the right time to write again.

Not simply in a blog, but in my DreamOn Journal. A place for DreamOn and for me. For stories, thoughts, rituals, gifts, little glimmers of light – and sometimes simply for something that needs to get out.

I don't know where this journal will develop. I don't have to.

I only know where I want to stand today:

With both feet in life and still looking up at the stars.

Perhaps that is exactly what DreamOn is.

Perhaps that is exactly who I am too.

Magic that touches. In the middle of life.

Séverine 💫