Today I open my heart and receive

Raw. Unfiltered. Direct.

From the depths of my soul. As honest as I have probably ever been.

In the Storm

I searched. I found. And I lived through a time that brought me to the edge and beyond.

The last few years were like a single storm. Every time I thought, Now I've hit rock bottom, a new wave crashed over me. Some hit me out of the blue, others slowly built up, but they all dragged me down into the depths.

Facing Death

I was confronted with death. Not once. Multiple times. Not somewhere out there, but in the middle of my life, in my heart.

And as if that weren't enough, I had to make decisions—difficult, final, life-changing decisions. Decisions that took my breath away. That tore me apart. And yet I made them. Because no one else could. Because no one came to save me.

I screamed, cried, threw up. Over and over again. I saw the darkness from the inside. I went through hell.

But I left it behind, with wounded feet, with scars that still burn. Yet I am still here today. And I stayed.

Scars and Pride

And you know what?
I am proud. Infinitely proud.

I know: My mom would be proud of me. My dad too. They are no longer visible here, and yet so close. In my heart, in my steps, in everything I have become.

Maybe they see me more clearly now than ever before. Maybe they have always seen me, even in the many moments when I lost sight of myself.

I continued their journey, in my own way. With my decisions, my falls, my new beginnings. And I survived. With everything they gave me. With their love, which never ends. With their strength, which lives on through me today.

What Is Love?

What is love? This question changed everything. It was the beginning, and its echoes remain to this day.

Love. A big word. For some, it is closeness, skin, a promise in everyday life. For others, it is the deep bond with their children, their family, another person, or even themselves. All of it is true. And everything has its place.

For me, love is more than closeness or a promise in everyday life. Some connections touch something in us that we can hardly explain. They can feel familiar before we even understand why. They can change us, raise questions, and reveal sides of ourselves that had long been hidden.

I have experienced such a love. Today, I no longer need to prove what it means. I only know what it triggered and changed in me.

And perhaps that is exactly why I also had to learn what love is not.

Love does not mean that another person has to save me. No one is coming to take my burden away and suddenly make everything right again with an "I love you." Love should not mean making yourself smaller so that someone stays, fighting for closeness, or measuring your own worth by another person's reaction.

It took a long time to understand that.

I learned to hold myself. I stopped begging for love. I see my strengths and my weaknesses. I know my worth. And I no longer look for validation of it only from the outside.

Because love can go deep. It can touch us, change us, and sometimes even shake us. But it should not lead us to lose ourselves. 

Fear and Its Shadow

But I have also understood how quickly love can become intertwined with fear. Fear of loss, of rejection, of closeness, or of losing something that means the world to you. And at some point, it becomes hard to tell what love really is and what is the fear we have built around it.

I tried for a long time to find answers. I looked for signs, interpreted silences, hoped, and waited. Today I know: I don't need signs or miracles to know what I am worth.

I am worthy of being loved. I am worthy of someone staying. I am worthy of being held—without question, without doubt, without conditions. 

What Remained

Today I no longer have to explain why I feel some things so deeply. I don't have to convince anyone that an experience was real to me just because someone else may have experienced or understood it differently.

Not everything in our lives can be measured or proven. Feelings especially. But I have learned to make an important distinction: I am allowed to trust my own experience without having to turn it into a truth for another person.

Perhaps that is one of the greatest changes of the last few years. I have stopped looking outside for answers that no one can give me. Not every question will be answered. Not every silence can be deciphered. And not everything we wish for is in our hands.

That does not mean I feel less. On the contrary. I still feel deeply. I still believe in love and that some encounters touch something in us that has a long-lasting effect. But today I no longer need to know where something leads to acknowledge what it meant to me.

I have deep scars, both inner and outer. I am anything but perfect. But I am real. I feel. Sometimes I still fall. I get back up. I keep going.

And I love. Not just one person. My children. The people close to me. Life, even though it has sometimes demanded so much from me. And slowly, myself too.

Perhaps that is exactly what inner strength is.

Not never breaking. Not always being strong. Not having everything under control. But after everything that has happened, not closing your heart forever.

Today I open my heart and receive

When I first wrote these words, they meant something very specific to me. Today they mean more.

Today I am not opening my heart because I am waiting for a certain ending. Not because someone is finally going to come and make everything right. And not because I believe I have already found all the answers.

I am opening my heart because I want to live.

For people. For closeness. For joy. For all the little and big things I still don't know are waiting for me. For love in all its forms. And also for the possibility that life may still surprise me.

I receive. I trust. I live.

And perhaps the greatest gift I have accepted in all these years is: myself. Whole. With my scars and my contradictions, with my strength and my vulnerability, with everything that was and everything that is yet to come.

I don't know what lies ahead.

But I know that I no longer stand where I once stood.

And that is enough.

Because this is not the end.

It is a beginning. ✨

Séverine 💫